I won’t have sex before marriage. How do I know if we’re compatible?

Q. I am a religious person, and in my religion we believe you do not have intimate relations until marriage. Not everyone gets to experience something before making a big decision.

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There are probably other signs that two people will get along, right?

How do you know if you’ll be compatible with the simple things, like living together and paying bills?

How do you know if you’re compatible in other ways if you’re not allowed to engage in anything like that until after marriage?

What can you look for in a person that will help you know if you are compatible in other senses — not just humor and physical attraction?

WONDERING

A. I’ll start by saying that I haven’t known many people who got married before experiencing an intimate and significant courtship. You might want to seek advice from people in your community who can tell you more.

But since you came here …

1. Don’t discount humor and attraction. They are important. Especially the humor part; if you think someone’s funny, the relationship is usually much better. Attraction helps … a lot.

2. Talk about feelings, even during supervised moments. Explain how this process scares you a bit. Find out if your companion says, “Not me! I’m fine!,” or if they offer something more revealing, like, “I’m scared, too.” If there’s vulnerability, that’s a good sign.

3. Accept chaos. I wish I could tell you there was a way for anyone to predict future compatibility. Even if you’ve lived with someone, the future is a guessing game. We don’t know what will happen, and what personal skills we’ll need in a relationship. Some of this is about learning along the way.

4. Keep loved ones close, because this I know for sure: It’s all easier when you have a strong community. Never stop building it.

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A Love Letters recommendation: listen to “A Hollywood Arrangement,” our podcast episode about a woman who knows her marriage will be arranged, but also wants the kind of love she’s seen in Hollywood rom-coms. The story is revealing — and has a happy ending.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

Agree with Meredith in that getting to know someone involves exploring whether they are honest. Sex may reveal physical compatibility but it doesn’t guarantee emotional compatibility.

BKLYNMOM

Can you talk about meaningful things with this person? Can you talk about money? Can you both compromise? How do you resolve small differences? How do you both manage your money? Does he have common sense? Do his parents run his life? So many observable things that will tell you somewhat about what it might be like to live with him.

WIZEN

Ask what kind of living and financial arrangements they envision for the future. One guy I dated briefly started telling me how his future wife would only cook the foods allowed on whatever fad diet he was on at the time. I knew right away that he was too controlling.

BLUEBIRD100

I do not follow many religious restrictions, but I never date anyone without a long friendship first. And that friendship is normally based on doing something like volunteer work, which requires us to work together toward a common goal and overcome challenges to do so. It’s a great way to learn about other people and myself. I wonder if this approach could be worth trying for you. At worst, you learn how YOU like to build something long-term, and how YOU prefer to overcome challenges to do so. It has led to some very wholesome romances that ended amicably only due to general life reasons, such as relocation for career goals that neither of us would force the other to give up.

2346

I think Meredith has the right idea here. You basically have to talk a lot. … It’s sometimes hard to know how you will face something even if you have lived together, especially difficult and rare things like the death of a parent or infertility. So, talk a lot. No subject is too small or big. But also not to change your mind, but do think about why it’s so important to you not to … before marriage. I always feel like this thought process tries to create something magical when practical is better.

ASH12345

Send your own relationship and dating questions to [email protected] or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.

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